Not a Blanket

I have a heart. I always known it was there but I never really used it before. I have to follow it sometimes. I prayed that God would open my eyes to the truth... he did. I found out that my heart has a voice and it seems to scream at me all the time. It needs protection, I can't keep putting it in situations where it can get jabbed at with little sticks. My heart is the wellspring of life. It makes who I am special. Im afraid if my heart was put on display that people wouldn't see how special it is. I keep it hidden. I keep it hidden in a place where only helicopters and hydroplanes can get to it.

I have to ask God to watch over my heart. He knows it, he is amazed by it. He knows the things my heart has made me do and why I have done them. My heart is not a crutch, I do not use it to make excuses. I can not play the damsel in distress. No matter how much my heart needs me to. My rescuer never came. I failed my heart. I should have been the one to keep it safe. I did not have the wisdom to protect it. I had the ignorance to ignore it. My heart is selfish. It does not care about other hearts. It breaks them only to protect itself. If you really saw how weak my heart was you would not want yours to play scrabble with it, or get my heart to push yours on the swings. You would keep your heart far from mine. So far that the earth has no room for. My biggest fear is that my heart will become hardened like the ground beneath my feet. No one wants a clump of stone.

God will choose to do what he must to make my heart stronger. God will realize my hearts faults and conquer them. He will stand in a field where wheat stands so tall you could only see gold and blue sky. God would search for my secret heart. He will find it alone in the sun. Burnt from the constant heat, thirsty from the lack of his word. He will kneel down and reach out his hand and whisper "there you are my darling".

About To Start

This week mom and I headed to British Columbia to help Mandi with moving. As Darin amused us with her impressions of her mother. I made a few jumps in the backyard with my snow board but the trees at the bottom made it very difficult to gain any real speed.I also practised some guitar. I find myself getting angry with those around me because I feel like I haven't or am doing anything with my life. Sure I have travelled but I didn't deserve to. I hope to get into some sort of schooling in the next bit here and start working again. Im afraid to go back to chicken picking because it is so hard on my wrists. But the money is so good and I don't have to go to the gym ever because its such physical work. I can only hope that I find something I can be proud of doing that suits my life.