Saskatchewan preachers forced to form marriages by the Government.

I've been reading a lot of peoples comments on the internet about "Gay Marriage". I remember having a conversation with my dad and how it upset him because marriage is the union between a man and women. I think I have such a torn heart when it comes to gay people. On one hand I know its not my right to judge them but on the other I want to know that its their freedom that is allowing them to be gay. I don't know anyone personally who is gay which makes it even harder because it doesn't effect my life to be honest.
I saw a post and it was showing activists who were arguing about racism in front of parliament building and saying how stupid people will look 40 years from today who argue against gay marriage. Some of the comments made me so upset, have people forgotten the marriage comes from God. I mean Im not stating facts but do you really think it was the law that made up marriage? I just get so confused, all this bickering when it comes down to two people being in love shouldn't they be able to celebrate that? Im not saying Im for gay marriage or against. I want to know why God put a "stop sign" on it in the first place? Most sins make sense as to why you don't do them. mostly because they destroy things like trust, purity. If you lie you're killing truth, right? But why did God not want two women together or two men? Im not gay but I really don't like the hatred some Christians portray "in the name of God." I feel so sad for gay people, I can't believe what it must feel like. My mom thinks gay people are confused, but I don't share that view. The thing is I have learned that the media does not teach you truth (some people may be thinking "duh Kaylee"). I understand why rape is wrong because you are taking so many things away from that person like purity, trust, honor, basic human safety.
 I trust God, I know that he is amazing and merciful. I just wish he would tell me why. So many people twist Gods word to fit themselves. I want to see God for who he is, Genuine. A non condemning presence, who loves, WHO LOVES. I could just weep when I think about how many people destroy the beauty of Christ, not for the destruction but to the blindness in it. Maybe because I was once responsible for it. These are just thoughts, my broken view.

Dry Throat, sand at my feet... so this is the desert.

It is almost 1 am, I can't sleep, and I do not have an english degree but if you would like to try and read this I pray that the holy spirit would guide you ha ha.

I have a flight tomorrow. I lay awake thinking have I made the right choice I tried to walk humbly with my God, but today I feel like I failed. I can't sleep because thoughts of self hatred started to creep in. I didn't know what to do so I searched for an old friend. As I read her blog I found out that she had the best advice I could hope for. The thing is that this old friend hurt me so badly that I was surprised how well her words spoke to me. I have felt guilty because so many times I have thought about getting back in contact but the very thought makes me sick, the kind of sick I imagine those allergic to nuts must get when they smell peanut butter floating around. The kind of sick that causes your body to react before anything has even happened, because some where the mind reacts before anything has happened, something I have learned in my psychology class about fear. Its odd I think about her everyday almost, somedays I miss her and somedays I have to forgive her all over. Both of which scare me, because I know things could never be the way they were. I went for a walk with Lindsey today and we talked about our past and our futures. I have such big plans for my future but fear that I will drift from God. Maybe thats why I searched for this friend who had hurt me, because it was at that time when I felt that pain, that I felt God the closest, the time that I grew the most.

John wants to go east this weekend and I find myself very torn to go, first I will not go without Ryan, Im sure my husband wouldn't be happy if I were to travel 4 hours away without him. Then there is the matter of Ave Johns girlfriend from B.C. He told me that she wouldn't care when I asked him how she would feel about this. I told him I would not get in the car with him if she didn't know and wasn't 100% okay with it. I also thought that Nathan might join us for the trip, or even Lauren if she was around. I can't believe how much the world has changed me, and even more surprised how God has changed me. I do fear that when I come across this old friend that I will not be able to stop shaking, Im sitting and Im shaking with only the thought. I run sometimes to spend time with God but find myself just getting angry. I don't want to be an angry person. As I was driving Ryan home John told me that I had no emotions, "I HAVE EMOTIONS, Ryan"? I exclaim. Ryan affirms me that I have emotions. John tells me thats why he used to kick me all the time like a 4 year old kid, to make sure I was awake. I told him that violence is never the answer, as I suck back a nightmare of once slapping someone in a moment of anger and that memory of regret haunted me for a moment like a bad smell floating by.

I do want to be happy, and I feel as if I have found that place. I have to save up so much money, I need to pay off my new vehicle and tuition costs. The one good thing is I know Im a hard worker, I can work as hard as I want to. Something I have found out about my self is I like to keep busy, I do not like to waste my time.

I have a hard time getting along with certain people, not in the sense that I argue with them I find its more my choice when I meet someone. I am a judgemental person, but I think that it was from years of being around those kind of people. Now when I find someone judging someone I find it very hard not to say anything. As a follower of Christ we are called to disciple all people including the ones we think are "weird" or "messed up" (not my personal wording) I try and avoid words that create distance I mean that was the devils main scheme after all yet we do it every day we let this judging voice come in. It takes time but Im learning to silence that voice of hatred, the quickest way I find is the name of the almighty Lord Jesus Christ. I think its odd that my mind has taken a long time to not think of someone swearing when hearing the Lords name, thats how conditioned I am to it. and I don't know why. Ryan was surprised to hear that I have smoked before even more surprised to hear that it was in third grade. "Where did some guy in third grade get cigarettes"? "She must have gotten them from her mom", Eyes wide open"She"?

I remember hating who I was because I didn't grow up in this perfect little bubble and after years of trying to prove I was tougher I realized I was wasting being a kid. All this time trying to prove I was my sister, its true I have never been myself. I remember trying to be both my sisters in my relationships. I mean my sisters are who they are, but who am I?

I refuse to be known as the angry person I used to be. I find myself leaning on God to make me the person I want to be. Someone who loves love. I want to love human beings, not just women and not just men but people.I want to love what God loves. I try not to judge on first impressions or second or third. Learning my identity is in Christ and not where I grew up has given me freedom. I am not mennonite, I am not jewish, and I am not african (despite what my roommates think). I am Christian, and proud of the beating heart God has given me.

Angel of Mercy

Last night I had a dream that paralyzed me. I was in my room sleeping when a man walks in rips my blankets off of me and as a cold breeze sweeps over the man starts to attack. Taking off my clothing, I struggle but I can't fight him off. He holds my wrists down and my fingers go numb. He has a smile on his face, not the smile of satisfaction but a cruel smile like a thief that has discovered something more precious then he first thought and takes that instead. I scream and plead as tears start rolling down my face matching the panic now in my heart. Thats when I realize the most horrifying part of my dream, the man's eyes are closed. He's sleeping, he doesn't even know he's raping me. Taking away my strength and innocence that makes up my beauty. Without realizing what he's done he leaves me in the dark room, with only the light from the door he's left open behind him. I pull my blankets onto my body and think that somehow my stillness can heal what has just happened. The next day I wake up and go to class, I forget the dream until I'm sitting in the cafeteria eating my lunch. Even though there are lots of people there I picture the large room empty, I am alone to ponder. I head to rock climbing and the slight drop in the air and socializing with friends distracts me. I head that evening to the gym, as I run I think to myself. Can I condemn the man in my dream? The buzzing of the treadmill and waves from friends as they enter the room and pass by.I remember how much I love treadmills when Im on them no one talks to me. I can be around people and not feel obligated to speak. I find it is a great time to pray to God. I think about my dream, can I condemn a man who couldn't hear, couldn't see? A man who didn't know how much he was hurting me? Lord what are you trying to teach me? Or are you trying to warn me? Please be the protector of my dreams. Jesus, I'm scared. Only your words can change a drunkard into a prince of the land, and a whore into an angel of mercy.

Finally Surrender

I know a king with a saphire ring

I have a friend That I can always depend

I have a lover better than any other

I have a brother the strongest defender

Lord hear my cries as I finally surrender

I know a king and the joy he can bring

I have a friend and oh the treasures we seek

I have a lover who secretly kisses my cheek

I have a sister with her arms open wide

Lord hear my cries as I finally surrender

I have a king that I serve

so Ill be a friend of the lonely at heart

Ill be a lover of respect and honor

and to the quiet child Ill be a mother

Lord hear my cries as i finally surrender

Surrender

Grace

To lose the bonds of injustice. Seeing injustice and fighting for it. Sharing a meal with the hungry. Bring a homeless person into your home. Not abandoning your own family. These are huge things to do.These aren't small tasks that God has given us. to bring a homeless person into your own home would be such a hard thing to do. How would you feel about that person sleeping in your home.You would judge that person so much. "Are they going to steal something?" You don't know this person and your opening your home to them. It would be so hard to humble yourself. To put your family in a place of potential peril. Opening your home to a stranger would have to show devotion to God. Devotion of showing God that you trust him to protect. Can I trust him with revenge? Does he fight battles anymore? I try to talk to God more in my head then anyone else. For some reason this is not an easy task. I feel so fragmented. The worst thing is that I made it worse by my own lies, not to others but to myself. If I said I loved you and did what I did. I would have to commit myself to you. My own pride to be right making me more wrong. Then it wouldn't be a sin anymore? Not out of love but out of my need for it. I understand why I was the apoplectic person I was. Shame prowls in and kills you from the inside out. Would God still invite me into his home even if I was a stranger? I haven't done anything to prove that I belonged or that I was trust worthy. Yet he keeps giving me breath. He speaks to me in his own way. I'm dazzled at his mystery. I shall become the educated woman Paul was looking for and no longer be silent. I was a lioness but lost in the woods alone I was a sheep. I kept straying from the Lord so he did what a shepherd does he broke the leg of the disobedient sheep. In my brokenness someone told me this story. He then told me that I had to remember that this is when the shepherd will carry and care for the sheep. This sheep will learn its shepherds voice and never stray again. I feared this straying from God. God is a part of my soul, I am a part of his. I am restored to my lioness state and I shall now fight for the Lord. My only enemy is my own memory if I could only distance myself from the mistakes I have made then If only I could trust his plans for my future and his promises. Maybe I could forget yours. Please Lord vouchsafe me humility. Pride is my towering fear.

Not a Blanket

I have a heart. I always known it was there but I never really used it before. I have to follow it sometimes. I prayed that God would open my eyes to the truth... he did. I found out that my heart has a voice and it seems to scream at me all the time. It needs protection, I can't keep putting it in situations where it can get jabbed at with little sticks. My heart is the wellspring of life. It makes who I am special. Im afraid if my heart was put on display that people wouldn't see how special it is. I keep it hidden. I keep it hidden in a place where only helicopters and hydroplanes can get to it.

I have to ask God to watch over my heart. He knows it, he is amazed by it. He knows the things my heart has made me do and why I have done them. My heart is not a crutch, I do not use it to make excuses. I can not play the damsel in distress. No matter how much my heart needs me to. My rescuer never came. I failed my heart. I should have been the one to keep it safe. I did not have the wisdom to protect it. I had the ignorance to ignore it. My heart is selfish. It does not care about other hearts. It breaks them only to protect itself. If you really saw how weak my heart was you would not want yours to play scrabble with it, or get my heart to push yours on the swings. You would keep your heart far from mine. So far that the earth has no room for. My biggest fear is that my heart will become hardened like the ground beneath my feet. No one wants a clump of stone.

God will choose to do what he must to make my heart stronger. God will realize my hearts faults and conquer them. He will stand in a field where wheat stands so tall you could only see gold and blue sky. God would search for my secret heart. He will find it alone in the sun. Burnt from the constant heat, thirsty from the lack of his word. He will kneel down and reach out his hand and whisper "there you are my darling".

About To Start

This week mom and I headed to British Columbia to help Mandi with moving. As Darin amused us with her impressions of her mother. I made a few jumps in the backyard with my snow board but the trees at the bottom made it very difficult to gain any real speed.I also practised some guitar. I find myself getting angry with those around me because I feel like I haven't or am doing anything with my life. Sure I have travelled but I didn't deserve to. I hope to get into some sort of schooling in the next bit here and start working again. Im afraid to go back to chicken picking because it is so hard on my wrists. But the money is so good and I don't have to go to the gym ever because its such physical work. I can only hope that I find something I can be proud of doing that suits my life.