To lose the bonds of injustice. Seeing injustice and fighting for it. Sharing a meal with the hungry. Bring a homeless person into your home. Not abandoning your own family. These are huge things to do.These aren't small tasks that God has given us. to bring a homeless person into your own home would be such a hard thing to do. How would you feel about that person sleeping in your home.You would judge that person so much. "Are they going to steal something?" You don't know this person and your opening your home to them. It would be so hard to humble yourself. To put your family in a place of potential peril. Opening your home to a stranger would have to show devotion to God. Devotion of showing God that you trust him to protect. Can I trust him with revenge? Does he fight battles anymore? I try to talk to God more in my head then anyone else. For some reason this is not an easy task. I feel so fragmented. The worst thing is that I made it worse by my own lies, not to others but to myself. If I said I loved you and did what I did. I would have to commit myself to you. My own pride to be right making me more wrong. Then it wouldn't be a sin anymore? Not out of love but out of my need for it. I understand why I was the apoplectic person I was. Shame prowls in and kills you from the inside out. Would God still invite me into his home even if I was a stranger? I haven't done anything to prove that I belonged or that I was trust worthy. Yet he keeps giving me breath. He speaks to me in his own way. I'm dazzled at his mystery. I shall become the educated woman Paul was looking for and no longer be silent. I was a lioness but lost in the woods alone I was a sheep. I kept straying from the Lord so he did what a shepherd does he broke the leg of the disobedient sheep. In my brokenness someone told me this story. He then told me that I had to remember that this is when the shepherd will carry and care for the sheep. This sheep will learn its shepherds voice and never stray again. I feared this straying from God. God is a part of my soul, I am a part of his. I am restored to my lioness state and I shall now fight for the Lord. My only enemy is my own memory if I could only distance myself from the mistakes I have made then If only I could trust his plans for my future and his promises. Maybe I could forget yours. Please Lord vouchsafe me humility. Pride is my towering fear.
Your writing is so honest that when I come to the end my whole body slumps.
ReplyDeletePride and self righteousness seem to lurk, waiting to seduce. I feel like I've been cut off at the knees and God is saying: "don't step out on your own strength again".
And there He goes, gracious once again. Oh, my wandering heart. If only we could forget that which haunts it.