Angel of Mercy

Last night I had a dream that paralyzed me. I was in my room sleeping when a man walks in rips my blankets off of me and as a cold breeze sweeps over the man starts to attack. Taking off my clothing, I struggle but I can't fight him off. He holds my wrists down and my fingers go numb. He has a smile on his face, not the smile of satisfaction but a cruel smile like a thief that has discovered something more precious then he first thought and takes that instead. I scream and plead as tears start rolling down my face matching the panic now in my heart. Thats when I realize the most horrifying part of my dream, the man's eyes are closed. He's sleeping, he doesn't even know he's raping me. Taking away my strength and innocence that makes up my beauty. Without realizing what he's done he leaves me in the dark room, with only the light from the door he's left open behind him. I pull my blankets onto my body and think that somehow my stillness can heal what has just happened. The next day I wake up and go to class, I forget the dream until I'm sitting in the cafeteria eating my lunch. Even though there are lots of people there I picture the large room empty, I am alone to ponder. I head to rock climbing and the slight drop in the air and socializing with friends distracts me. I head that evening to the gym, as I run I think to myself. Can I condemn the man in my dream? The buzzing of the treadmill and waves from friends as they enter the room and pass by.I remember how much I love treadmills when Im on them no one talks to me. I can be around people and not feel obligated to speak. I find it is a great time to pray to God. I think about my dream, can I condemn a man who couldn't hear, couldn't see? A man who didn't know how much he was hurting me? Lord what are you trying to teach me? Or are you trying to warn me? Please be the protector of my dreams. Jesus, I'm scared. Only your words can change a drunkard into a prince of the land, and a whore into an angel of mercy.

Finally Surrender

I know a king with a saphire ring

I have a friend That I can always depend

I have a lover better than any other

I have a brother the strongest defender

Lord hear my cries as I finally surrender

I know a king and the joy he can bring

I have a friend and oh the treasures we seek

I have a lover who secretly kisses my cheek

I have a sister with her arms open wide

Lord hear my cries as I finally surrender

I have a king that I serve

so Ill be a friend of the lonely at heart

Ill be a lover of respect and honor

and to the quiet child Ill be a mother

Lord hear my cries as i finally surrender

Surrender

Grace

To lose the bonds of injustice. Seeing injustice and fighting for it. Sharing a meal with the hungry. Bring a homeless person into your home. Not abandoning your own family. These are huge things to do.These aren't small tasks that God has given us. to bring a homeless person into your own home would be such a hard thing to do. How would you feel about that person sleeping in your home.You would judge that person so much. "Are they going to steal something?" You don't know this person and your opening your home to them. It would be so hard to humble yourself. To put your family in a place of potential peril. Opening your home to a stranger would have to show devotion to God. Devotion of showing God that you trust him to protect. Can I trust him with revenge? Does he fight battles anymore? I try to talk to God more in my head then anyone else. For some reason this is not an easy task. I feel so fragmented. The worst thing is that I made it worse by my own lies, not to others but to myself. If I said I loved you and did what I did. I would have to commit myself to you. My own pride to be right making me more wrong. Then it wouldn't be a sin anymore? Not out of love but out of my need for it. I understand why I was the apoplectic person I was. Shame prowls in and kills you from the inside out. Would God still invite me into his home even if I was a stranger? I haven't done anything to prove that I belonged or that I was trust worthy. Yet he keeps giving me breath. He speaks to me in his own way. I'm dazzled at his mystery. I shall become the educated woman Paul was looking for and no longer be silent. I was a lioness but lost in the woods alone I was a sheep. I kept straying from the Lord so he did what a shepherd does he broke the leg of the disobedient sheep. In my brokenness someone told me this story. He then told me that I had to remember that this is when the shepherd will carry and care for the sheep. This sheep will learn its shepherds voice and never stray again. I feared this straying from God. God is a part of my soul, I am a part of his. I am restored to my lioness state and I shall now fight for the Lord. My only enemy is my own memory if I could only distance myself from the mistakes I have made then If only I could trust his plans for my future and his promises. Maybe I could forget yours. Please Lord vouchsafe me humility. Pride is my towering fear.

Not a Blanket

I have a heart. I always known it was there but I never really used it before. I have to follow it sometimes. I prayed that God would open my eyes to the truth... he did. I found out that my heart has a voice and it seems to scream at me all the time. It needs protection, I can't keep putting it in situations where it can get jabbed at with little sticks. My heart is the wellspring of life. It makes who I am special. Im afraid if my heart was put on display that people wouldn't see how special it is. I keep it hidden. I keep it hidden in a place where only helicopters and hydroplanes can get to it.

I have to ask God to watch over my heart. He knows it, he is amazed by it. He knows the things my heart has made me do and why I have done them. My heart is not a crutch, I do not use it to make excuses. I can not play the damsel in distress. No matter how much my heart needs me to. My rescuer never came. I failed my heart. I should have been the one to keep it safe. I did not have the wisdom to protect it. I had the ignorance to ignore it. My heart is selfish. It does not care about other hearts. It breaks them only to protect itself. If you really saw how weak my heart was you would not want yours to play scrabble with it, or get my heart to push yours on the swings. You would keep your heart far from mine. So far that the earth has no room for. My biggest fear is that my heart will become hardened like the ground beneath my feet. No one wants a clump of stone.

God will choose to do what he must to make my heart stronger. God will realize my hearts faults and conquer them. He will stand in a field where wheat stands so tall you could only see gold and blue sky. God would search for my secret heart. He will find it alone in the sun. Burnt from the constant heat, thirsty from the lack of his word. He will kneel down and reach out his hand and whisper "there you are my darling".

About To Start

This week mom and I headed to British Columbia to help Mandi with moving. As Darin amused us with her impressions of her mother. I made a few jumps in the backyard with my snow board but the trees at the bottom made it very difficult to gain any real speed.I also practised some guitar. I find myself getting angry with those around me because I feel like I haven't or am doing anything with my life. Sure I have travelled but I didn't deserve to. I hope to get into some sort of schooling in the next bit here and start working again. Im afraid to go back to chicken picking because it is so hard on my wrists. But the money is so good and I don't have to go to the gym ever because its such physical work. I can only hope that I find something I can be proud of doing that suits my life.

Thai Whisky+Scottish Girls+ABBA=laughter

Today I was forced into my own little universe. Traveling by myself seems way more interesting at times then when I travel with other people. I interact more with the world around me. I found out that if you go to little shops they offer you samples pineapple squires, gummy sweets, and strong thai whisky. Now Im not saying I went to many of these shops but I would say that if you are bored one afternoon and want to get very drunk for free, their is a way! I made friends with many different people but never really stuck with them long enough to really consider them anything more then a nice stranger. I went for supper with Rochelle a friend of mine from camp when I was a little girl, and I met a Scottish friend of hers, Krissy. I ended up spending the night at her place with her as she likes to call "stuped cat"Noah because of her Scottish backround tho Krissy tends to swear more then Im used to the average person swearing so she called the cat more then just stupid. I went to school with Rochelle. Rochelle teaches at an international school in Chiang mai along with her husband Anderson. The kids they teach are doing mama mia as a musical and I assisted Krissy with getting all the props written down ( or sat and watched same thing). The mix of kids is really interesting seeing as I went to a small town school in the middle of Saskatchewan. We then went to Rochelle's favorite massage place and got rubbed and stretched from head to toe. Also known as a thai massage.

We then headed to the mall where I found lots of amazing things but none of them were small enough for me to take home. Sad.

Krissy and I argued about the difference in pizza because Thai pizza and Scottish pizza is apparently very similar, as for canadian pizza... well it doesn't look gross! Our pizza does not have corn in it thank you very much!

After finding a few things we went for mexican food. Where they have real nachos. Not from a bag actually out of the oven, Amazing!

"Thanks for emailing me Kaylee, Im really glad I had an excuse to go out and do stuff tonight"said Rochelle. Anderson nodded his head in agreement. "I would have just gone home got pissed and listaned to ABBA till I passed out"Krissy informed me. "I think you talk about getting drunk more then you actually do"Rochelle said. "Well if I can't drink I have to at least pretend like I am, Im scottish!Wheres the nearest pub I need a pint!"

Chiang Mai My Playground

David and I travelled to Chiang mai and stayed in a hotel it was rainging but still warm. We then wondered the streets of Chiang mai till we found a little guest house called cm blue house. I wasn't to sure about the guest house at first but now it feels like my home away from home. David and I went ziplining and went to the Tiger Kingdom. The Tiger Kingdom is a zoo where you can go into the cage and pet the lions for about 15 minutes. You walk into their cage with the trainer and you can pet them but not to close to their face or they get mad. The baby tigers were my favorite because they walked around you could walk lay beside them and pet them. David and I thought the big tigers were intense! The eyes of a tiger that close is kinda scary. David has been getting sick the last couple of days and we have made way to many hospital trips. He got an x ray and a blood test and lots of other tests and when they couldn't come up with a good diagnosis David decided it was time for him to head home and to get a canadian doctor to take a look at him. Dad and I went with him in a red truck (no seat belts)to the airport where we watched David go through security. I miss him already. I loved traveling with him and going to the amazing night markets here. figuring out some new things to do and exploring the streets of Chiang mai. I miss Tilly. I keep seeing things that she would like. At the same time I'm sure the amount of nuts in thai food would have her either on drugs the whole time or starving. The day before David went to the hospital we also had to get Dad there because he has gotten a green bike of his own to crash. He broke his collar bone and his ribs and now has to wear a brace that makes him look like a linebacker. I plan on going mountain biking tomorrow and then see how much it costs to go to angkor wat and back for a couple of days.

I Heart Fire

Today is the last day of the year. David and I are packing and cleaning the villa. We are trying to find a new place to stay and planning our next step of the thailand adventure. David and I then head to the beach to watch the new years eve celebration not many people were there but with in minutes crowds of people with fire crackers and music come pouring in. Traffic was so bad today seeing how it was the beginning of peak season in Phuket. Hundreds of tourist fill the streets. While at the beach we see the odd fireworks go off as people light little paper balloons and set them in the air. More people come and more fireworks go off. It was close to midnight when the resort started some killer fire works and they were so close. No safety zones huge cannon like fireworks fill the air as hundreds of locals and tourist set off their own fireworks in the air. Fire crackers and balloons and thai music surrounds me.David and I sit at the beach and watch the most amazing fireworks I have ever seen! Children throw fire crackers. A thai girl sits beside us with a few of her friends and lights a firework then when they don't come out looks at the fire work right as she pulls it away from her face one goes off, she laughs and sits while more come out. David and I look at each other with looks on both of our faces that say are you kidding me did she just do that! Huge fireworks above us fireworks in the distance fireworks behind us. Fireworks all around. Yet the funny thing is it wasn't that loud not like in Canada where the people are so loud, it still seemed pretty quite. the balloons fill the air and make it look like stepping stones to the sky by candle light. "Happy new years" David whispers to me. As we drive home people set fireworks off all the way home and people cheer and wave, Everyone wishes us a happy new year. I wish you a very happy new year!