Angel of Mercy

Last night I had a dream that paralyzed me. I was in my room sleeping when a man walks in rips my blankets off of me and as a cold breeze sweeps over the man starts to attack. Taking off my clothing, I struggle but I can't fight him off. He holds my wrists down and my fingers go numb. He has a smile on his face, not the smile of satisfaction but a cruel smile like a thief that has discovered something more precious then he first thought and takes that instead. I scream and plead as tears start rolling down my face matching the panic now in my heart. Thats when I realize the most horrifying part of my dream, the man's eyes are closed. He's sleeping, he doesn't even know he's raping me. Taking away my strength and innocence that makes up my beauty. Without realizing what he's done he leaves me in the dark room, with only the light from the door he's left open behind him. I pull my blankets onto my body and think that somehow my stillness can heal what has just happened. The next day I wake up and go to class, I forget the dream until I'm sitting in the cafeteria eating my lunch. Even though there are lots of people there I picture the large room empty, I am alone to ponder. I head to rock climbing and the slight drop in the air and socializing with friends distracts me. I head that evening to the gym, as I run I think to myself. Can I condemn the man in my dream? The buzzing of the treadmill and waves from friends as they enter the room and pass by.I remember how much I love treadmills when Im on them no one talks to me. I can be around people and not feel obligated to speak. I find it is a great time to pray to God. I think about my dream, can I condemn a man who couldn't hear, couldn't see? A man who didn't know how much he was hurting me? Lord what are you trying to teach me? Or are you trying to warn me? Please be the protector of my dreams. Jesus, I'm scared. Only your words can change a drunkard into a prince of the land, and a whore into an angel of mercy.

Finally Surrender

I know a king with a saphire ring

I have a friend That I can always depend

I have a lover better than any other

I have a brother the strongest defender

Lord hear my cries as I finally surrender

I know a king and the joy he can bring

I have a friend and oh the treasures we seek

I have a lover who secretly kisses my cheek

I have a sister with her arms open wide

Lord hear my cries as I finally surrender

I have a king that I serve

so Ill be a friend of the lonely at heart

Ill be a lover of respect and honor

and to the quiet child Ill be a mother

Lord hear my cries as i finally surrender

Surrender

Grace

To lose the bonds of injustice. Seeing injustice and fighting for it. Sharing a meal with the hungry. Bring a homeless person into your home. Not abandoning your own family. These are huge things to do.These aren't small tasks that God has given us. to bring a homeless person into your own home would be such a hard thing to do. How would you feel about that person sleeping in your home.You would judge that person so much. "Are they going to steal something?" You don't know this person and your opening your home to them. It would be so hard to humble yourself. To put your family in a place of potential peril. Opening your home to a stranger would have to show devotion to God. Devotion of showing God that you trust him to protect. Can I trust him with revenge? Does he fight battles anymore? I try to talk to God more in my head then anyone else. For some reason this is not an easy task. I feel so fragmented. The worst thing is that I made it worse by my own lies, not to others but to myself. If I said I loved you and did what I did. I would have to commit myself to you. My own pride to be right making me more wrong. Then it wouldn't be a sin anymore? Not out of love but out of my need for it. I understand why I was the apoplectic person I was. Shame prowls in and kills you from the inside out. Would God still invite me into his home even if I was a stranger? I haven't done anything to prove that I belonged or that I was trust worthy. Yet he keeps giving me breath. He speaks to me in his own way. I'm dazzled at his mystery. I shall become the educated woman Paul was looking for and no longer be silent. I was a lioness but lost in the woods alone I was a sheep. I kept straying from the Lord so he did what a shepherd does he broke the leg of the disobedient sheep. In my brokenness someone told me this story. He then told me that I had to remember that this is when the shepherd will carry and care for the sheep. This sheep will learn its shepherds voice and never stray again. I feared this straying from God. God is a part of my soul, I am a part of his. I am restored to my lioness state and I shall now fight for the Lord. My only enemy is my own memory if I could only distance myself from the mistakes I have made then If only I could trust his plans for my future and his promises. Maybe I could forget yours. Please Lord vouchsafe me humility. Pride is my towering fear.