It is almost 1 am, I can't sleep, and I do not have an english degree but if you would like to try and read this I pray that the holy spirit would guide you ha ha.
I have a flight tomorrow. I lay awake thinking have I made the right choice I tried to walk humbly with my God, but today I feel like I failed. I can't sleep because thoughts of self hatred started to creep in. I didn't know what to do so I searched for an old friend. As I read her blog I found out that she had the best advice I could hope for. The thing is that this old friend hurt me so badly that I was surprised how well her words spoke to me. I have felt guilty because so many times I have thought about getting back in contact but the very thought makes me sick, the kind of sick I imagine those allergic to nuts must get when they smell peanut butter floating around. The kind of sick that causes your body to react before anything has even happened, because some where the mind reacts before anything has happened, something I have learned in my psychology class about fear. Its odd I think about her everyday almost, somedays I miss her and somedays I have to forgive her all over. Both of which scare me, because I know things could never be the way they were. I went for a walk with Lindsey today and we talked about our past and our futures. I have such big plans for my future but fear that I will drift from God. Maybe thats why I searched for this friend who had hurt me, because it was at that time when I felt that pain, that I felt God the closest, the time that I grew the most.
John wants to go east this weekend and I find myself very torn to go, first I will not go without Ryan, Im sure my husband wouldn't be happy if I were to travel 4 hours away without him. Then there is the matter of Ave Johns girlfriend from B.C. He told me that she wouldn't care when I asked him how she would feel about this. I told him I would not get in the car with him if she didn't know and wasn't 100% okay with it. I also thought that Nathan might join us for the trip, or even Lauren if she was around. I can't believe how much the world has changed me, and even more surprised how God has changed me. I do fear that when I come across this old friend that I will not be able to stop shaking, Im sitting and Im shaking with only the thought. I run sometimes to spend time with God but find myself just getting angry. I don't want to be an angry person. As I was driving Ryan home John told me that I had no emotions, "I HAVE EMOTIONS, Ryan"? I exclaim. Ryan affirms me that I have emotions. John tells me thats why he used to kick me all the time like a 4 year old kid, to make sure I was awake. I told him that violence is never the answer, as I suck back a nightmare of once slapping someone in a moment of anger and that memory of regret haunted me for a moment like a bad smell floating by.
I do want to be happy, and I feel as if I have found that place. I have to save up so much money, I need to pay off my new vehicle and tuition costs. The one good thing is I know Im a hard worker, I can work as hard as I want to. Something I have found out about my self is I like to keep busy, I do not like to waste my time.
I have a hard time getting along with certain people, not in the sense that I argue with them I find its more my choice when I meet someone. I am a judgemental person, but I think that it was from years of being around those kind of people. Now when I find someone judging someone I find it very hard not to say anything. As a follower of Christ we are called to disciple all people including the ones we think are "weird" or "messed up" (not my personal wording) I try and avoid words that create distance I mean that was the devils main scheme after all yet we do it every day we let this judging voice come in. It takes time but Im learning to silence that voice of hatred, the quickest way I find is the name of the almighty Lord Jesus Christ. I think its odd that my mind has taken a long time to not think of someone swearing when hearing the Lords name, thats how conditioned I am to it. and I don't know why. Ryan was surprised to hear that I have smoked before even more surprised to hear that it was in third grade. "Where did some guy in third grade get cigarettes"? "She must have gotten them from her mom", Eyes wide open"She"?
I remember hating who I was because I didn't grow up in this perfect little bubble and after years of trying to prove I was tougher I realized I was wasting being a kid. All this time trying to prove I was my sister, its true I have never been myself. I remember trying to be both my sisters in my relationships. I mean my sisters are who they are, but who am I?
I refuse to be known as the angry person I used to be. I find myself leaning on God to make me the person I want to be. Someone who loves love. I want to love human beings, not just women and not just men but people.I want to love what God loves. I try not to judge on first impressions or second or third. Learning my identity is in Christ and not where I grew up has given me freedom. I am not mennonite, I am not jewish, and I am not african (despite what my roommates think). I am Christian, and proud of the beating heart God has given me.
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